Jokes free for use by r.smith

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PLEASE REPLY IF YOU LIKE THE FOLLOWING JOKES!         THANKS.     

These are jokes that I have thought of myself. I thought of them first don't blame me if some pro comedian does steal the joke and makes the joke claim that he/she thought of them.

all new jokes go at the bottom, and links to many other hilarious jokes pages.

Boudicca (or boooodicca as she was know to Londiniumites) queen of the Iceni (you seen ni,! where?)

Whenever I leave a party, the room grows darker. And then everyone says turn the light back on.

Whenever I enter a room , the room brightens up, I turn the light switch on.

OK who forgot to turn the fridge light off. Look at You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

It is disgraceful my comedy series got taken off air, I will have you know my comedies on TV allways gets the most laughter, I know because I add in the canned laughter myself.

People talk about a bull in a China shop scaring them, I say I do not fear that situation, I fear a bull in a Chinese restraunt, thing of all the wonton destruction.

What does a scottish wear cow with a soar foot say. Och I du moooooooooooooooooo aaaaaaaa.

I am very religious man. I am a part time bishop, this means I can do whatever I like in my spare time. I am very religious I have stared moon lighting as an Iman.

Don't blame me for my church services says the the bishop, as I don't write the material.

Sometimes in my spare time I walk down the street with glasses with a label that says X-RAY glasses written above them, then to cheer people up I look at their cheast, or waist region and say ooooh these glasses were value for money. Being a bishop I can get away this sort of stuff.

Where does Count Dracula go when he dresses up as a woman. Traniesylvania.

I am a big fan of doctor who, sometimes it gets so scary I cal it doctor doo and the turdis.

Last year I did the London marathon. Ok I was tired and exausted, by the end of it all, I even did the marathon in costume. Mind you my sympathy goes out to the guy at the back. He only thought he was rehearsing for the pantomine.

Yesterday a policeman stopped us, and he told us to watch out as a fake police offcier was stopping people on the road, and asking people, top watch out,

Why do Americans allways wear a t-shirt. Because they have right to bear arms. Look at You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

Wayne Rooney has rocked his publishers after signing a 5 million pound book deal. He says it is not right to write a biograhy yet instead his first book will be the history of nineteenth century statesman.

Aberdeen manager Calderwood has been offerred a job by the Glazers. He says it will be a step up to replace Fergie at Man Utd. Correction: Calderwood has joined a double glazing company and has said it will be step up to join the firm from Aberdeen.

When I was at school, my english teacher allways used to insult my grammar, I said you never even met her.

The other day I opened a topless nightclub, I don't know what all the fuss was about. I hardly ever use table covers.

This moral majority stuff in Amercia is drivel most of them have spent the last 4 years bragging about how they more of dick and Bush. I allways thought they were talking about the president and the vice president, but when I asked them they said president who.

My town is a famous historical town it is a spa town. Well we have a spar shop.

What does an Italian facist have for breakfast. Mueslyini

You know driving in France in insane. All of those drivers drive on the wrong side of the road and beep their horn at me and swear at me. But that is just like back here in Britain.

I have an idea to climb to the top of mount everest and put a brick on the top. Then stand on the brick and declare I have climed the biggest mountain the planet. Mount Everest Brick. Then I will take the brick with me and sell the right for people to climb the tallest mountain in the planet Mount Everest Brick, when I get back down.

Did you hear they have found mercury is a cheap replacement for viagra. All you have to is take some mercury then stand near a hot oven. This also works as a cheap themometer. (this is a joke, DO NOT TAKE MERCURY it is very POISIONESS).

Here is some witty observational comedy. It is really funny when someone makes a realy funny joke.

What is the most intelligent dinosaur, a theasaurus.

Search Engine Optimization and Free Submission

I know that this restraunt is good, I walked in and I saw a man made out of white tyres, and eating the sausages, he looked like the tyre advert man. He said it was great.

That joke is so funny you should ask somebody to help strap your stomach with sandbags, as it is so funny you might explode.

This is observational comedy, Do you ever notice that most roads are grey, and that normally cars drive on them.

What do you call an Irish prime minister Tony Mac - - Blair, hoh hoh hoh

Why do the Americans not let anybody know about the secret Antartican military base.

Because the talking penguins won't let them.

Hey its ok dont worry, it doesn't really exist, I made it up.

Why are Scottish people not elected PM. Because their name is Muck(MC) (Mac).

Knock knock whos there, knock, knock who

I have been possesed by the funny monster



What is the cleverest Mountain on Earth

Mount

Cleverest



Which team every season are top of the Scottish league

Aberdeen, in alphabetical order,



Hoh hoh hoh sob sob, this is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life, please send all this off to Saturday Night Live, and the writer of the Oscar award speech, it is great,



Now for a new Scottish national anthem, to the tune of Scots wahey,.

Ochc eye na doo,
Where bag pipes droned,
Where Haggis and Highland Cows a romed,
Where kilts are worn all the time,
And where whisky and porridge is the only meal for which we pine
Donald wheres your trousers,

Our tartan is our only cloth,
We eat oats for breakfast, and lunch and before rest,
I cannae walk with nae shoes or I stand on thistles, and hurt my toes, and sceam ooh,
I may never leave the house without my sporran, never ever spending any money,
But that's what makes me a true and proud Scot
The nation of highland dancing and everyone with hair that is red,
Over the sea to Skye,

Where is my Scotch Terrier,
He is running through the purple heather,
He hopefully will not be eaten by the fearsome Loch Ness Monster,
We enjoy curling and golf, with our fresh Highland air,
And shall never surrender to English imperialism, but leave a smile in the lair,
We are inspired by spiders, and by Wallace and Bruce,
Scotland the Brave

Hey Jimmy I tell yee noo,
In this poem that was written by Burns thee most famous poet of the world ever too,
Yee will never take our freedom, or our bonny nation of the free,
Oor Wullie, Scottie, other folk, never surrendered to Rome, Norway or English yoke,
So weel I tell yee, pal, about this chum,
Scotland, Scotia Caledonia, woo,
Flower of Scotland from, Galashiels to John o Groats, and Shetland too,




Today I tried to drive to work and I was behind a slow driver, and I was going to be late, then I thought I would be on time when I got out of my car, but some men walked in front of me with a 20 foot long pole they were taking too where they were working, so I was 10 minues late.


Also I drove after a car that went into a group of cones, on the wrong side, and I ended up driving over the white lines they were painting, and he had driven off earlier.

Isn't it funny when people were thinking up names for themselves in the Medieval Era. Some people, must have said what will you call yourself, and somebody said, I will call myself, Strongarm, I will call myself, Butcher, and then somebody said, oh this won't last, I will call myself Sheepsbottom, and they said but this will last for ages, and affect generations of your families, and he said, no it won't just put that as my name

Did you ever notice that tunnels slow your car down

People say I 'm sarcastic, but I say Oh yeah like I really have sharp teeth, and fins.

People say I have no sense of irony, I have you know I did the ironing last week

People say you should only beep your horn when you are going round a bend. I always beep my horn, as I am always going round the bend.

Jokes for dictators fearing assasination,

Have you ever noticed how, police inspectors are getting younger.

Dictator: Have you ever noticed that my food testers are always so young

guffaw guffaw

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Royalty free music

Loads of Music


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I do not understand computer people, they are so angry.

A freind of mine told me please can you burn my CD on your computer

So I went round to him and lit fire to his cd,

I did not belive it the next day, he told me he didn't want it burned after all.

Then after he said he wanted it saved, he was amazed when I took a razor from his toilet and gave the disc a good shave with shaving foam



Why do acrobats, sorry this is so funny I shall have to stop writing for a while

hahahahahhaaha

Why do they hate recieving their certificates through the post,

I will tell you why it is as the certificates always have a thing on them saying PLEASE DO NOT BEND

They always shout, how am I supposed to do my job without bending.

These are some of the funny things it is my job to tell you, great at it I know.

If you are not laughing it is not my fault you have no sense of humour.

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A link to the hilarious comedy

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Below are some comments about this site

Comments

This is the funniest thing I have ever read

Seinfeld



This is brilliant

Laurel and Hardy

This is rib tickling the whole way through

Charlie Chaplin



None of the above comments are about this site, I made them up

Why do football hooligans, find it so hard to change lightbulbs,

Because they are all stupid,



****** ****** onion ******** pigeon **** President of the United States B*** and the Queen

This joke has been censored by the CIA as it is too funny



What is a dog's fave food, sausages



This joke will make you cry with tears all day, creating a lake as deep as any you have seen

I saw a police officer eating a bacon sandwich

So I said well Now Iv'e seen everything, a pig eating a pig

That was as hilarious as I said it would be

Have you ever noticed teenagers want GTi turbos,

And hoh hoh people with GTI turboes want Ferraris, their never happy



Now for a great joke that will stun every person, at it's loveliness

What does a Irishman who likes sports drinks get called,

Luke O Zade



Why does mayonaise never win a race,

Because brown and tomato always ketchup

Do you ever wonder how large a cm or celsius, is, here is a site which explains

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Here is a page of less funny jokes,come back to this page if you don't like it, You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

Now some more reall laugh out loud jokes,

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I was in a phone box, for 27 minutes to my brother, and being looked at in the window by a man,

It was my reflection,



This is a joke from C Hammaby, a internet pal, his joke is, he writes jokemore

What does an Irish petrol maker say when he is going to be late

Oil be back in a while



My car broke down today so my Mum and Dad, brought the starters, to start it, they brought me 2 soups, I was a bit angry they did not bring a desert.



Today I went to the opticians, and they of course have to ask my name and address which they then put into the computer. . Then they looked shocked, as I am a secret agents, 008, , they were master criminals, and were scared, as they thought I was going to catch them, they were breathing in heavilly, the most shocking thing was when they saw my license. The guy on the computer was shocked, and I was taken to the back to have my eyes tested. I am not really James Bond, they just got our addresses confused, as I am so clever.

Why did the Apaches fall out with with Mexicans, as they heard they did not like Red Onions.



Why are gymnasts, good at swirling around, as they go to bars at night all the time,



What about in the women's weightlifting a model comes on, and wins, lifting the heaviest thing in one hand.

The small wild cats that eat small birsd in Argentina, probabaly say don't tell my lion cousins, about the fact I am living off tiny birds, as they live off gazelles,



Somebody said get me a threadand a needle,

I got a needle, and I got Fred,

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An imaginery Scotish league You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

A site on giant sloths

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A site saying some ideas of how to improve yourself

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More jokes

What does a chicken demanding his wages say

Cheque, cheque, cheque, cheque, cheque, cheque, cheque,



What does a negeative Australian say, I can't gar ooo.



People alsway say mr Cool what is youir first name, I always say I am not called mr cool, it is just they think thta is my name I am so cool

A duck says it's ill, he says he has to go and see his quack quack.



A man in the duck cafe, one of them says to the waiter, a duck, can I see the bill, the duck says you have been looking at my bill all day



A man phones F. O .L enterprises, car repair service they come an fixes your car if it broken, they telephone person says have you fol membership, the man says no, so they are passed to the f o line.

What does a carpenter say when he sees you, I saw you



A wise man is asked on who wants to be a millionaire, as the freind, and the presenter hears him looking through the books, it is a hilarious scene so he is chuecked off. if you would like to see a site by this guy go to You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

The diet in our country is so bad even the woodpeckers eat wood chip, and robots micro chips.

People say L A has to many gold diggers, well they did build it's history.

I went to one of those safari parks, that are outside, mansions, that is a safari park in Britain holding lions, and I came back with 3 lions. I bagged 3 lions, on the way out, I said to the ticket inspector I said, good shooting old boy, then he ran after my car as I drove away.

Little Chef chefs are all really 2 feet high

The Rap Singer 50 Cents has to change his name every day as of currency fluctuation, outside the USA.

The end of this great site here are some more jokes Jokesfurther and more

A Great web-index page of Comedy, The Land of 1000 Jokes, 100s of jokes, are 1 click away,

My fave page of our hilarious wacky brand of humour More great jokes You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login Even more jokes, there are some jokes sites not on this site, listed on our other jokes sites, that are listed on this site, we have 100s of great jokes in this network of websites.

And our next to last jokes page, of our many joke pages

Now some other people's jokes, better look at our other pages, And also some knock knock jokes we thought up But this one here really is our very very last jokes we thought up page Other People's Jokes Some Hilarious Jokes I remember, the last of these pages which we use other people's jokes

This page is our index page of all our joke pages, but there are some joke pages, on subjects from holidays, to animals, to satires, on other pages

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I am Rory Smith and I thought of these jokes. All these jokes were thought of before February 2006. and some as old as 2004.