500,000 Short Jokes & funny stuff [ Note that it will take long to load its ]

dandoon12 · October 02, 2006, 10:04:05 PM

lets fill up thousands of short jokes as replies to this topic
i receaved a big chunck of emails from a friend i am going to reply as much as i can from them here also u can add urs to make the longest joke thread

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "

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Q. What is pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff!

Q. Where do snowmen dance?
A. At the snowball!

Q. Shall I tell you the joke about the high wall?
A. I'd better not, you'd never get over it!
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Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

papi · October 02, 2006, 10:11:03 PM

why did the fly say too the fly?
wow you can fly too
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Fear of Flying
-------------
A man has an hour before his flight to Los Angeles. He
decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and
sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty
whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself
to the nervous guy and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I
j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're
g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my
job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive
cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that."

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because I'm the p-pilot."
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There was a bus full of 30 ugly people, and it crashed and the all died instantly. They all went to heaven where God felt sorry for them because they were SOOO ugly, so he decided to grant them one wish each. So they got in a line for their wish. They first person in line wished to be the most gorgeous person ever, and the person behind her wished to be gorgeous too, and so it went on and on. When the got about half way down the line the person in the back of the line started chuckleing, then there were only a few people left and he strated laughing hystrically! Then he was the next person and he was laughing so hard he was on the floor and didn't think he had any more tears to shed for ANY reason! The when it came his turn it took him 10 minutes to stop laughing, every time he would almost stop, he would start again. Well, he FINALLY stopped laughing and was able to get his wish in. He told God "Make them all ugly again!"
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOlogy, are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwlege is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad.

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Newspaper Headlines
----------------
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[ouch! that has gotta hurt!]

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Can you believe it?)

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Pizza Delivery

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved
to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I
called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said,
then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other
end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
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COWS " Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to
the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow."
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issa_0000 · October 02, 2006, 10:16:51 PM

Hilarious Quotes from Real People
* "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -- Bertrand Russell

* "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." --Rich Cook

* "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. " -- Robert Orben

* "Nothing is wrong with Hollywood that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." -- Ross MacDonald

* "In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." -- Adlai Stevenson (Hmmm .. given the past few Presidential voting scandals .. is this true?)

* "We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." -- General Douglas MacArthur
* "Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. " -- Sir Winston Churchill

* "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates

* "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. " -- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

* "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [himself, a convicted felon]

* "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." -- Henry Ford (What are your goals in life? How often do you revisit your goals?)

* "Lost in all the outrage over the corporate accounting scandals is one fact politicians do not like to acknowledge: The auditing problems at American companies cannot rival the bookkeeping shambles of the world's largest enterprise -- the U.S. government. Exaggerated earnings, disguised liabilities, off- budget shenanigans -- they are all there in the government's ledgers on a scale even the biggest companies could not dream of matching." --Martin Crutsinger

* "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." -- Albert Einstein

* "A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

* "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

* "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

* "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein

* "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. " -- Martin Luther King Jr.

* "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." -- Sacha Guitry

* "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

* "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

* "When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." -- George Washington Carver

* "Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact." -- George Eliot

* "Well done is better than well said." -- Benjamin Franklin
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Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone
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Sms Insult Messages .. '
This is a collection of SMS jokes .. I dont want to offend someone at all ..

1. Are you always this st|_|pid or are you making a special effort today
2. He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words
3. I don't know what makes you so dumb but hey !! it really works ..
4. If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat
5. Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going
6. Calling you an id_iot would be an insult to all the st_upid people
7. Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.
8. I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.
9. Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty..so the world needs YOU after all!
10. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not...
11.
Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl's empty and so is ur head!
12. I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets:
one to get in and another to get out.
13. You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
14. When he dies, they'll bury him face down, so that he can see where he's going.

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Lame Jokes
Q. whats brown and sticky?
A. a stick

Q. what is invisible and smells like carrots?
A. bunny farts

Q. what do you call a monkey with bananas in its ears?
A. anything you like, it cant hear you

q: what clothes do Solisitors wear?

Lawsuits

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

of coarse all the jokes end with boom boom cha on the drums!
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Creepy Quiz
> >
> > THINK of a number from 1 to 10
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > MULTIPLY that number by 9
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If the number is a 2-digit number, ADD the digits
> together
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Now SUBTRACT 5
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > DETERMINE which letter in the alphabet corresponds
> to the number you ended
> > up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THINK of a country that starts with that letter
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > REMEMBER the last letter of the name of that
> country
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THINK of the name of an animal that starts with
> that letter
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > REMEMBER the last letter in the name of that
> animal
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THINK of the name of a fruit that starts with that
> letter
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating
> an Orange?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I told you this was FREAKY!! At least for me it
> was. If not for you, you're
> > among the 2% of the population whose minds are
> different enough to think of
> > something else. 98% of people will answer with
> kangaroos in Denmark eating
> > oranges when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?
> Keep this message going. This one
> > is actually fun sending on to others. Especially
> if you are among the 2%.
> > Forward it to people you know and see if they can
> determine if they are "usual"
> > or "unusual".
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carrio · October 02, 2006, 10:30:52 PM

wht did the chickin cross the road?
he was to chickin to cross

Lane: Sorry Johnny, I don't have a dime.
Johnny: Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.
Lane: My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it's sort of a family crisis. Bye!

Tree Trimmer: Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

Lane: Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.

Johnny: I want my two dollars!

Charles De Mar: Wait, wait a minute...
[starts to snort snow off his top hat]
[sniff] Oh.
Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! This is pure snow! It's everywhere!
[raises right hand]
I think I just froze the left half of my brain!
[waves arm in circles]
Look! I can't move my right arm!
Lane: This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!
Charles De Mar: Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

Charles De Mar: Go really, really fast that way. If something gets in your way, turn.
Lane: What a coach!

Lane: I have great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't.
Monique: "I can not do it" is your middle name.

To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A mand strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he said to me, "but I'll take a dozen."

My musician son decided to play guitar at his own wedding reception. That day, tuning his strings was taking longer than usual.
"It's a little harder to do with a ring on," he apologized to the waiting guests.
That's when a man called out, "Everything's harder with a ring on."

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot.

HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck.

Wow. Dont use those pickup lines unless you want being dumped. lol.

wats yellow and sits in a apple tree?
a confused banana

attitude
It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.

Action
To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.

'confucious Say' :
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation!

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.

Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowingcooltan

Chinese Maxims

# Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
# Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
# Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
# When you say, "I love you", mean it.
# When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
# Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
# Believe in love at first sight.
# Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much to achieve.
# Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
# In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
# Don't judge people by their relative.
# Talk slowly but think quickly.
# When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know"
# Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
# Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
# When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
# Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
# Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
# When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
# Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice..
# Spend some time alone.

Banks will give you money if you can prove you don't need it.approve

Last night, I lay in bed serenely looking up at the bright stars in the dark, night sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
"I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were."
"I don't mind talking to your hand. It is when it starts talking back, then we have a problem."

Seeing as that you found this compelling enough to read, I thought you should know that there is a large purple llama behind you, with a knife, and if you turn around it will chop off your nose... thank you, and have a nice day.~ ferrari

Student: The brain is a wonderful thing.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room

Time wounds all heals
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Flattery is the highest form of imitation.

A Brunette,redhead and Blonde
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

Funny Quotes
only put quotes here

"who was the first guy to look at a cow and say: im just going to drink whatever comes out of these things when i squeeze them"
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

"Many reporters say i have no vision, I don't see that"
George W. Bush

"I would like to thank my parents-especially my mother and father"
Greg norman

"Either you give me what i demand, or i'll take what you're offering!"
Joe torre

if you know any other funny quotes post them

A Couple of Random Celebrity Quotes
"A study in the Washington Post shows that women have better verbal skills than men. The only thing I have to say to that is uh, duh!"
-Conan O'Brien

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day that they come out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
-Roseanne

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get pulled into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-Jeff Foxworthy

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-Richard Jeni

Fire
A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?" lol lol

big_grin I'm smiling becuase you're my brother
lol I'm laughing becuase there is nothing you can do about it!

Back to School Questions
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs, he would fall over!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!

What does "minimum" mean?
A very small mother!

What does "maximum" mean?
A very big mother!

What's the difference between an American student and an
English student?
About 3,000 miles!

Why did Robin Hood steal only from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!

we all know that money talks right?
well ya wanna know what it says?
it says "good-bye"

Funny Joke
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament.

"Dear son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my
troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad."

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, for heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES. Love son."

At 4 am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire garden area. But when they didn't find
any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. Later that
same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances. Love, Son."

Mother in Law
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Who's Foolish
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"

Funny Joke

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament.

"Dear son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my
troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad."

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, for heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES. Love son."

At 4 am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire garden area. But when they didn't find
any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. Later that
same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances. Love, Son."

chris · October 02, 2006, 11:10:39 PM

Home Coming
A woman says to her husband, "Every day our neighbor's husband comes home with flowers for his wife. Why don't you do that?"
The husband replies, "Hun, I hardly know that woman..."

jokes and qoutes
Cowgirls don't make fools of Cowboys: Most are the DO-IT-YOURSELF TYPE!

* Some people are like slinkies, not good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face if you push them down a flight of stairs.*

If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

Song Lyrics U Just Love and Must Discuss!!!
Nemo

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart
as compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my eveything

My flower, withered between
The pages 2 and 3
The once and forever bloom
gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my eveything
Oh, how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forevermore

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh, how I wish...

This song absolutely rox!!! send some more songs

Anniversary
A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

i love "Nothing else i need" by Jeremy Camp. "and You fill my life. You're everything to me, and there's nothing else i need anymore. and i know You are everything to me, and there's nothing else i need anymore." the whole song is so peaceful and it's great.

then there's "one day at a time"... "i've been shut up shut down held out held down in ways i never knew i would, but i can feel Your fullness in my life. well i've been burnt out broken torn out torn down in ways i never knew i would, but i can feel Your fullness in my life one day at a time."

and i love "Frontline" by Pillar.

its not like i'm walking alone into the valley of the shadow of death
stand beside one another cos it aint over yet
id be willin to bet that if we dont back down
you and i will be the ones who are holdin the crown in the end
wen its over we can say well done
but not yet cos its only begun
so pick up and follow me we're the only ones
to fight this thing until we've won
drive on and dont look back it doesn't mean we can't learn from our past
all the things that we mightve done wrong we couldve been doin this all along

everybody with your fist raised high let me hear your battle cry tonight
stand beside or step aside were on the frontlines

and we'll be carryin on until the day it doesnt matter anymore
step aside you forgot what this is for
we fight to live we live to fight and tonight youll hear my battle cry
we live our lives on the front lines we're not afraid of the fast times
these times have opened up my eyes and now i see where the threat lies!

everybody with your fist raised high let me hear your battle cry tonight
stand beside or step aside we're on the frontlines

we've got to lead the way!

Mental Problems

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

Another Riddle!
okay here how it goes...

there's these guys who wanna go bungie jumping off a building.
so they get the cord and all the equipment
they wanna bungie jump off a 24 floor building
then the president dude or leader whatever u wanna call him
goes first
then he jumps dives pretty much... and BAM! he died... what
happened?

Ill give u a hint it has nothing to do with the measurements and and u gotta think real hard about this...

i hate

As the result of an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother pasted a sign reading "I hate Mom" on the door to his room, and slammed it shut.
My dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff.
"I'll take care of it," he confidently told Mom, and went into my brother's room.
Minutes later, Dad came out. "He doesn't hate you anymore," he reassured her.
Sure enough, my brother had crossed out "Mom" on his sign. It now read "I hate Dad."

Red Neck Jokes
if u light ur fanny on fire when trying to fart u might be a redneck.

if u go to a wedding in a penguin outfit u might be a redneck.

if u go to alaska in a penguin outfit or a seal outfit u might be a redneck.

if u go to a parade and ride a bull in the middle of the road u might be a redneck.

if u fart near a fire place u might be a redneck.

if drive a small tiny vechile like the pint size u might be a red neck.

if u play horseshoes with toilet seats u might be a redneck.

if u ride the horse the wrong way u might be a redneck.

if u go to a car wash and u was ur horse u might a redneck.

Jeweler

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"

CONSTITUTION
CONSTITUTION "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore."

london bridge
once i went across londen brige. i ment a man that tiped his hat and drew his cain. in this riddle i told you his name. what is his name?

Oc Quotes...
Here are some:

"Well, at least I don t shave my chest..."
"What did you just say?"
"I just said that you look nice in a sweater vest, it was a compliment..."

"I'm busy...studying...naked"
"Is that supposed to keep me away?"
"Cohen! You re at my door!"
"And you're dressed, I wonder who is more disappointed..."

"Stop! I do not like Seth Cohen! I mean, I cant like Seth Cohen. He's like...Seth Cohen..."

"I wanna talk to you"
"And I wanna talk to you"
"And I wanna talk to you"
"Why do you wanna talk to me?"
"To see if you know what these guys are talking about..."

"Hi. I'm Sandy."
"Then why don't you go take a shower?"
"Pardon?"
"Just kidding, I like you dirty."

"Do you have the stud finder?"
"Oh Summer. I think you are the stud finder."
"You see this hammer in my hand?"
"Yeah, we'll find the stud finder. What does it look like?"
"Don't you know what a level is?"
"Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game."
"That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools."

"Life was so much easier when boys had cooties..."

"Blonde's have more fun, Brunettes can read..."

"I'm bust studying naked mum!"
"Ew!"
"Summer?"
"Oh no..."
"I'm dressed"
"Nice to know... what type of family do you have Cohen?"
"The type that always wears clothes, even in the shower"

Doctor jokes
"Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in fifty-nine seconds."

"Wait i'll be with you in a minute."

"Doctor, Doctor, im so fed up."
"well, don't eat so much then!"

"Doctor, Doctor i feel like a dustbin."
"Stop talking rubbish."

does any1 have any more doctor doctor jokes cos mine r boring

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a donkey, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

And . .

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

```````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle

``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

knock knock
who's there
kenya
kenya who?
kenya dance like thiss?

Funny Computer Quotes
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows XPP:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17 "The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."

18 "WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."

19 "Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."

20 "General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."

21 "Hit any user to continue."

22 "Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."

23 "Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."

24 "Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."

25 "Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."

26. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Wedding Joke
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter- pounder with cheese!

(is this joke funny or not funny... i wasnt sure.)

d_mcnabb_5_1 · October 02, 2006, 11:17:16 PM

Car Trouble
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigar, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.

He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.

How to Wash a Cat
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Questions - Q & A Jokes
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. idea

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ...they were cramming for their finals!

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? huh

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

* Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? lol

* Why do we use the slang phrase, "That's my 2 cents" when giving opinions, but we say "a penny for your thoughts"? Where did the other penny come from?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? wink

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Q: Do they have Dial-A-Prayer Service for Atheists?
A: Sure, they can call the toll-free number, but no one answers.

Q: How do you cath a squirell?
A: Climb a tree and go nuts!

Q: Why did the squirell fall out of a tree?
A: Because it waz dead
~what do you call a male ladybug?
~what do you call a female granddaddy longlegs?
~Why do they put "do not microwave" on bags of chips?
~on the bottom of boxes why do they put do not turn over? (isnt it a little to late)

~on children's Tylenol: "Do not opperate heavy machinery after taking"
(o yea, the world would b much safer if we could get these 5 yr olds w/ colds off the road)
~on a superman costume: "Does not enable u to fly"
( i blame the moms 4 this)
~on a liquid soap bottle: "Do not use like regular soap"
(and that would b how?)
~on a bag of chips: "Great gifts and prizes. Look inside 4 details"
(shoplifters special?)

was cool before uncool was cool

Jokes Jokes Galore

For people in a hurry, we have compiled this short history of medicine, using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2006 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear and everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being 10 again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." She said.

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Funny Quotes when Going to Die

I did not see that coming.
Trespassing signs are just ways people are trying to scare you.
Luke I am your father.
Hold on i think i am out of bullets.
I dont think its loaded.
I know where you live.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!.
SSSUUUUUIIIICIIIIIDDDDEEEEE.
You have failed me.

wonder what this button does?
what woold happen if i jumped off a cliff?
darn my parachute dosnt work
ICEBERG!!!!

Santa is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

For Chemistry Geeks Only
So one atom is walking down the street and stops to ask another atom what he is doing.
The second atom replies "I'm looking for an my electron!"
First atom "Are you sure you lost it?"
Second atom "Yes, I'm positive."

A Funny As Heck Joke
if your a woman, and your husband is retarded
you have one kid, but you have two
one is only one year old, the other is 24

think about it

Remember those who lost their lives in 9/11/01.
Give a 1 minute salute for those brave people who did not walk from the rubble.

Remembering 9/11

As our nation recalls again the horrible events of Sept. 11, 2001, we share again this powerful prayer of Max Lucado, which was written for a special memorial service following 9/11. It also appeared in USA Today and was widely reprinted:

Dear Lord,

We're still hoping we'll wake up. We're still hoping we'll open a sleepy eye and think, What a horrible dream.

But we won't, will we, Father? What we saw was not a dream. Planes did gouge towers. Flames did consume our fortress. People did perish. It was no dream and, dear Father, we are sad.

There is a ballet dancer who will no longer dance and a doctor who will no longer heal. A church has lost her priest, a classroom is minus a teacher. Cora ran a food pantry. Paige was a counselor and Dana, dearest Father, Dana was only three years old. (Who held her in those final moments?)

We are sad, Father. For as the innocent are buried, our innocence is buried as well. We thought we were safe. Perhaps we should have known better. But we didn't.

And so we come to you. We don't ask you for help; we beg you for it. We don't request it; we implore it. We know what you can do. We've read the accounts. We've pondered the stories and now we plead, Do it again, Lord. Do it again.

Remember Joseph? You rescued him from the pit. You can do the same for us. Do it again, Lord.

Remember the Hebrews in Egypt? You protected their children from the angel of death. We have children, too, Lord. Do it again.

And Sarah? Remember her prayers? You heard them. Joshua? Remember his fears? You inspired him. The women at the tomb? You resurrected their hope. The doubts of Thomas? You took them away. Do it again, Lord. Do it again.

You changed Daniel from a captive into a king's counselor. You took Peter the fisherman and made him Peter an apostle. Because of you, David went from leading sheep to leading armies. Do it again, Lord, for we need counselors today, Lord. We need apostles. We need leaders. Do it again, dear Lord.

Most of all, do again what you did at Calvary. What we saw here on that Tuesday, you saw there on that Friday. Innocence slaughtered. Goodness murdered. Mothers weeping. Evil dancing. Just as the ash fell on our children, the darkness fell on your Son. Just as our towers were shattered, the very Tower of Eternity was pierced.

And by dusk, heaven's sweetest song was silent, buried behind a rock.

But you did not waver, O Lord. You did not waver. After three days in a dark hole, you rolled the rock and rumbled the earth and turned the darkest Friday into the brightest Sunday. Do it again, Lord. Grant us a September Easter.

We thank you, dear Father, for these hours of unity. Disaster has done what discussion could not. Doctrinal fences have fallen. Republicans are standing with Democrats. Skin colors have been covered by the ash of burning buildings. We thank you for these hours of unity.

And we thank you for these hours of prayer. The Enemy sought to bring us to our knees and succeeded. He had no idea, however, that we would kneel before you. And he has no idea what you can do.

Let your mercy be upon our President, Vice President, and their families. Grant to those who lead us wisdom beyond their years and experience. Have mercy upon the souls who have departed and the wounded who remain. Give us grace that we might forgive and faith that we might believe.

And look kindly upon your church. For two thousand years you've used her to heal a hurting world.

Do it again, Lord. Do it again.

Through Christ, Amen.

I've got a flash tribute to the September 11 victims here.
Warning: It's a real tear jerker, but it's worth a watch.

Press F11 on your keyboard while watching it.
Turn on your speakers.

God Bless America, where we enjoy freedom of religion!

Ten Commandments
TEN COMMANDMENTS "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
in a courthouse? You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!"

Try Joining the Mafia

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

50 Cent Joke
what would u say if 50 cent nitted u a sweater.................................................g-u- nit

legatobluesummers · October 02, 2006, 11:20:42 PM

Kids Concerning Love
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.
eNjOy!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, cool

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, cool

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, cool

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, cool

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, cool

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, cool

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, cool

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,cool

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, cool

Ahhhh cute huh?

Call Back Later!
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".

Slow Racehorse
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

Licking
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".chuckles

i was wondering how a frisbee flew through the air then it hit me.

Firefighters Walk Where the Danger Dances
firefighters walk where the danger dances, remember if u turn ur back to a fire, the fire would kick the fanny of the person who turned their back to it. Paramedics are like monkeys that can work real fast and the firefighters are like tarzans with people on their shoulders as they climb down vines made of steel(ladders).

George Dubyah Bush
"There aught to be LIMITS to FREEDOM!"

That was one of his best

Ranching out
A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.

The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"

Yeah, replied the little Missouri farmer, I had a truck like that one time.

you know what they say about guys with big feet?

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... they wear big shoes!

what were you thinking? dirty mind....no

hope u liked.wiggle

Ounces of Brain for Sale

Ounces of brain for sale

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

blonde was driving down an old country road when she spotted a blonde rowing a boat in a in a wheat field. She pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious.

She yells at the blonde in the field. "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your fanny."

Cheese rox my sox!!!!!!!!!

What word is always pronounced wrong?
Wrong!

Funny Sayings
~On the other hand you have different fingers.

~When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

~I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

~He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

~You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

~I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

~Honk if you love peace and quiet.

~Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

~It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

~It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

~You can't have everything....where would you put it?

~Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. (duh! smiley )

~He who laughs last thinks slowest.

~The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

~A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

~It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

~I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

~I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

~Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying....... "Ehhhh... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces ....."Five foot two!"
This isn`t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won`t have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ......."Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that !" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song,...... Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... ".

suceed
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

If your not living life on the edge,
You re taking up too much space.

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5shocked0, the male crew returns.

"Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men.

An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"

The Things Your Teacher Says O.o
Sometimes its scary.. Sometimes its dumb.... but either way it is funny!

Once a Blonde was traveling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the Blonde deserved more service.
So, when the Blonde fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Blonde was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
"What is the matter?" Says his wife.
He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else."

Professor's Logic
A college professor stood in front of his class with an empty pickle jar. First, he filled the jar with large stones. He then asked his class,"Is the jar full?" The class replied,"Yes." Then he took pebbles and poured them in the jar. They slipped through and filled in the cracks between the stones. Again he asked if the jar was full. The class again replied yes. Next he took sand and poured it in the jar. It filled in the cracks between the cracks between the pebbles. He asked yet again if the jar was full. The class replied "YES." Finally, he took a full can of beer and poured that in the jar. The class laughed then asked why he did that.
He answered, "The stones represent the large things in life; your family, your house, your emotions. The pebbles represent the small, but important things; your job, your car. the sand represent everything else."
A student then asked, "What is the beer mean then?"
"There is always room in life for a little beer," he answered.

Quotes!~*
Your nothing short of my everything

I want to be the one you point at and say yeah thats her

Guys are like stars, there are tons but only one can make your dreams come true

Immature love says I love you because I need you,but mature love says I need you because I love you

Love is like a butterfly hold on to tight and you'll crush it, don't hold on tight enough and you'll let it go

A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare, a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long.

After giving directions back to his house, he and the taxi driver are talking.

The drunk guy leans forwards and says, "Hey taxi-dude! Think you got enough room in the front for a case of beer and a couple of chicken burgers?"

Taxi guy says "Sure! Not a problem."

"Some french fries and some meat loafs?"

"Not a problem, sir," Taxi guy replied.

The drunk guy goes, "BLLLLEEEEEECCCHHHHH!"

Country / State Quotes

Texas Word Of Wisdom
Don't squat with your spurs on!!! surprised

Anyone else have one from your state??? Let's see how many we can come up with.

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, Why weren t you successful with the Arabs?

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Buffalo
Two buffalo were grazing in a field. A cowboy rides up and says, You are the mangiest, ugliest, stupid buffalo I ve ever seen!
One buffalo looks at the other and says, I think we ve just heard a discouraging word.

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