Getting Dumped

[charleychacko]

Its happens to us all from time to time and it is the bad part about dating. Getting dumped is about someone who you spent time with who doesn't want a close relationship anymore. On almost all occasions, when you get dumped, it comes as a surprise, a nasty surprise. Looking back you think to yourself, well I could see that coming really. But at the time, you were not prepared.

On almost every occasion you get dumped, the person who has dumped you has been thinking of doing it for longer than you imagine. It appears they suddenly dumped you after an argument or some minor incident but actually, they have been playing the scenario out in their heads for quite a while. When people spontaneously try and dump you, they make a hash of it. It goes wrong. If someone has practiced the scenario they won't be swayed and will try and convince you to see life from their point of view. Which is dreadful.

Being dumped usually happens when you least expect it and its possible that you were almost dumped a week or two earlier when your other half went through the motions but didn't actually quite have the nerve to see things through. It was almost like a Practise session. Then when it finally does come, its gentle and firm and clear. This person doesn't want to be with you anymore. They are detached when they speak because they need to be. They have to detach themselves from emotion not because they don't have any feelings, but because this is what it takes to walk away.

The person who is dumping you has temporarily learned to cope with shutting feelings out so that they can deal with saying good-bye. To be honest though, their emotional state may be fraught but it is backed up by a sense of escape and release and so they are feeling very different emotions from you. They are feeling that they need to get this conversation over and done with and want you to accept the situation as gracefully as possible.

Certainly the person dumping you is being heartless in some ways and they don't have your interests at heart, only their own, which is why they often try and sugar coat the situation by telling you how your future will be so positive without them and how they are a negative influence on you and the worst two of the lot, "you deserve better than me" and "shall we be good friends". Both of those lines are cheap, meaningless and sometimes very shallow. In the same way, telling you that you will continue to "see" your ex and remain good buddies, is utter nonsense. The world has just changed for good.

The first thing that springs to mind when you are dumped is just how ridiculous are the reasons you are given. On almost ALL occasions, they are not telling you the truth. Why? Because ironically they are trying to spare your feelings. Well now, they have just take away your trust, your faith, your romantic life in its entirety, even your planned future. But They are trying to spare your feelings. These people are bastards, make no mistake.

The amount of lies told to you in one 30 minute period will never be as many as when you are being dumped. I hate the leeches who dump you over dinner in a restaurant, or at a party so that you can say less. Their hope is damage limitation to try and get away without "having a scene". I remember one girl, Angela, who dumped me by email. That was probably as low as anyone can stoop. I suppose the phone is as bad, or a note, or through a friend. But remember that most people are cowards. I'd always prefer to know the truth.

The one thing that stands out about being dumped more than anything else, is when one receives no explanation. Oh, you may be given one, but be sure that isn't the real reason my friends. No, you will be given the most trivial of reasons, or worse "it's not you, it's me" Which actually means, "its you". They simply won't tell you why though, because they are scared. Now I can argue this is a positive thing because by being scared of hurting you, there is some semblance of respect still present. And that has to be positive. However there is no future in having any further contact with this person and I firmly recommend when someone walks out of your life, it is for ever. (I know its different if you have children and I won't address that situation here).

Now scientists tell us that when you are dumped you undergo almost exactly the same set of physiological and psychological reactions as bereavement. Clearly if you have been seeing someone for 3 weeks and they decide you are not for them, your feelings are hurt, but nothing more. But, once a relationship has formed and the person walks out of your life then that person may as well have died. Because you will react in the same way.

What I mean but the is is that it is entirely correct and fitting that you want to lock yourself away for a while, to undergo a period of mourning. You have to come to terms with what has happened and that the relationship is finally over. This in fact can take months or years. Your friends will provide you with a support infrastructure and whilst they are well meaning and want you to return to your positive self, be prepared for it taking some time.

You could start dating again but these dates won't lead to anything immediately, not until you are psychologically ready. Personally and privately, I believe that it is only when you are angry with the person who dumped you, even to the point of hating them, before you can get over them. You may think that's too strong, but out of anger often comes clarity of mind. Still loving them is not the way forward. In years to come you may respect them and love their memory, but certainly not now no.

When someone dumps you, they generally mean it and it has taken them a lot of thinking to go through with it. So do not hope they will change their mind, they won't. You will feel betrayed and deceived and you are right. They played with your feelings. But then everyone has a right to leave and no one has the right to stay imprisoned in a relationship they don't want. So it is your own acceptance of the situation that is the most important thing here.

In fact you are the most important thing in the equation. The person who just dumped you no longer matters. Life becomes about you again and what you want. You are the director of your own movie , your life, so you hire and fire the cast and crew as you like. If they dumped you, mentally dump them too. But don't dwell on revenge as down that path lays madness awaiting. No, you do need to move on, but only when you are ready and only down the path you choose.

Getting some revenge is an immediate afterthought, because you want to feel the satisfaction of getting even. Of hurting them like they hurt you. But all you do if you publicly display revenge, is look somewhat pathetic. I do not advocate revenge in that way. The best way for any revenge is to get even in a constructive way that leaves your dumper looking like the fool. I remember being dumped by an ex, only to leave the city and get a glamorous job abroad a few weeks later and letting her know it. That gave me the satisfaction of knowing we were even. Life moved on.

Being dumped is an awkward mess that hurts us and cannot be trivialized. It means that the person we entrusted with our souls has turned round and said they don't want it. It makes us feel cheap and worthless and unwanted. We don't want other fish in the sea, we wanted them. But its too late, its over.

Here are some tips I think are essential when getting dumped:

Don't believe the reasons you are given when you are dumped as you may be being lied to
If you spot a trial run, you may be dumped within days so anticipate it
Don't dump them first because you thought you spotted a trial run though !
Allow the person to say why your relationship has ended but give them little in return. They want you to forgive them and tell them its all right. It isn't so don't let them off the hook whatsoever. Never.
Allow yourself a mourning period of however long it takes
Don't start dating immediately, not until you are ready
Do realize that seeing other people though, will make things easier
Don't hope that your ex will return, its highly unlikely
Start thinking about yourself as number 1 priority and spoil yourself
Do not keep hold of any joint possessions or mementos. The relationship is over and mementos will hurt you.
Throw all their things away and put photos in a box
Never hang out where you may meet you ex. Talking things over doesn't work. If they want you they will come crawling back
If you accept your ex back again you are playing with fire. Better to say good-bye once and for all. You deserve better
Remember that the person who dumped you has lost you and will not meet anyone like you again. Their loss.
Allow yourself to be angry with the person who dumped you and mentally dump them too
Finally, when all is said and done, it is sometimes better to change jobs and even move location to forget someone. You can argue well why should I, but let's be realistic, it may be the only answer. We are talking about your life here, not someone elses'. You deserve better because you are worth it.