Car Trouble
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigar, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
How to Wash a Cat
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Questions - Q & A Jokes
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. idea
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ...they were cramming for their finals!
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? huh
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
* Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? lol
* Why do we use the slang phrase, "That's my 2 cents" when giving opinions, but we say "a penny for your thoughts"? Where did the other penny come from?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? wink
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Q: Do they have Dial-A-Prayer Service for Atheists?
A: Sure, they can call the toll-free number, but no one answers.
Q: How do you cath a squirell?
A: Climb a tree and go nuts!
Q: Why did the squirell fall out of a tree?
A: Because it waz dead
~what do you call a male ladybug?
~what do you call a female granddaddy longlegs?
~Why do they put "do not microwave" on bags of chips?
~on the bottom of boxes why do they put do not turn over? (isnt it a little to late)
~on children's Tylenol: "Do not opperate heavy machinery after taking"
(o yea, the world would b much safer if we could get these 5 yr olds w/ colds off the road)
~on a superman costume: "Does not enable u to fly"
( i blame the moms 4 this)
~on a liquid soap bottle: "Do not use like regular soap"
(and that would b how?)
~on a bag of chips: "Great gifts and prizes. Look inside 4 details"
(shoplifters special?)
was cool before uncool was cool
Jokes Jokes Galore
For people in a hurry, we have compiled this short history of medicine, using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2006 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear and everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being 10 again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." She said.
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Funny Quotes when Going to Die
I did not see that coming.
Trespassing signs are just ways people are trying to scare you.
Luke I am your father.
Hold on i think i am out of bullets.
I dont think its loaded.
I know where you live.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!.
SSSUUUUUIIIICIIIIIDDDDEEEEE.
You have failed me.
wonder what this button does?
what woold happen if i jumped off a cliff?
darn my parachute dosnt work
ICEBERG!!!!
Santa is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
For Chemistry Geeks Only
So one atom is walking down the street and stops to ask another atom what he is doing.
The second atom replies "I'm looking for an my electron!"
First atom "Are you sure you lost it?"
Second atom "Yes, I'm positive."
A Funny As Heck Joke
if your a woman, and your husband is retarded
you have one kid, but you have two
one is only one year old, the other is 24
think about it
Remember those who lost their lives in 9/11/01.
Give a 1 minute salute for those brave people who did not walk from the rubble.
Remembering 9/11
As our nation recalls again the horrible events of Sept. 11, 2001, we share again this powerful prayer of Max Lucado, which was written for a special memorial service following 9/11. It also appeared in USA Today and was widely reprinted:
Dear Lord,
We're still hoping we'll wake up. We're still hoping we'll open a sleepy eye and think, What a horrible dream.
But we won't, will we, Father? What we saw was not a dream. Planes did gouge towers. Flames did consume our fortress. People did perish. It was no dream and, dear Father, we are sad.
There is a ballet dancer who will no longer dance and a doctor who will no longer heal. A church has lost her priest, a classroom is minus a teacher. Cora ran a food pantry. Paige was a counselor and Dana, dearest Father, Dana was only three years old. (Who held her in those final moments?)
We are sad, Father. For as the innocent are buried, our innocence is buried as well. We thought we were safe. Perhaps we should have known better. But we didn't.
And so we come to you. We don't ask you for help; we beg you for it. We don't request it; we implore it. We know what you can do. We've read the accounts. We've pondered the stories and now we plead, Do it again, Lord. Do it again.
Remember Joseph? You rescued him from the pit. You can do the same for us. Do it again, Lord.
Remember the Hebrews in Egypt? You protected their children from the angel of death. We have children, too, Lord. Do it again.
And Sarah? Remember her prayers? You heard them. Joshua? Remember his fears? You inspired him. The women at the tomb? You resurrected their hope. The doubts of Thomas? You took them away. Do it again, Lord. Do it again.
You changed Daniel from a captive into a king's counselor. You took Peter the fisherman and made him Peter an apostle. Because of you, David went from leading sheep to leading armies. Do it again, Lord, for we need counselors today, Lord. We need apostles. We need leaders. Do it again, dear Lord.
Most of all, do again what you did at Calvary. What we saw here on that Tuesday, you saw there on that Friday. Innocence slaughtered. Goodness murdered. Mothers weeping. Evil dancing. Just as the ash fell on our children, the darkness fell on your Son. Just as our towers were shattered, the very Tower of Eternity was pierced.
And by dusk, heaven's sweetest song was silent, buried behind a rock.
But you did not waver, O Lord. You did not waver. After three days in a dark hole, you rolled the rock and rumbled the earth and turned the darkest Friday into the brightest Sunday. Do it again, Lord. Grant us a September Easter.
We thank you, dear Father, for these hours of unity. Disaster has done what discussion could not. Doctrinal fences have fallen. Republicans are standing with Democrats. Skin colors have been covered by the ash of burning buildings. We thank you for these hours of unity.
And we thank you for these hours of prayer. The Enemy sought to bring us to our knees and succeeded. He had no idea, however, that we would kneel before you. And he has no idea what you can do.
Let your mercy be upon our President, Vice President, and their families. Grant to those who lead us wisdom beyond their years and experience. Have mercy upon the souls who have departed and the wounded who remain. Give us grace that we might forgive and faith that we might believe.
And look kindly upon your church. For two thousand years you've used her to heal a hurting world.
Do it again, Lord. Do it again.
Through Christ, Amen.
I've got a flash tribute to the September 11 victims here.
Warning: It's a real tear jerker, but it's worth a watch.
Press F11 on your keyboard while watching it.
Turn on your speakers.
God Bless America, where we enjoy freedom of religion!
Ten Commandments
TEN COMMANDMENTS "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
in a courthouse? You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!"
Try Joining the Mafia
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."
The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"
Artie answers, "No."
The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."
So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"
The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."
Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."
The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."
Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"
50 Cent Joke
what would u say if 50 cent nitted u a sweater.................................................g-u- nit
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigar, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
How to Wash a Cat
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Questions - Q & A Jokes
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. idea
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ...they were cramming for their finals!
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? huh
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
* Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? lol
* Why do we use the slang phrase, "That's my 2 cents" when giving opinions, but we say "a penny for your thoughts"? Where did the other penny come from?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? wink
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Q: Do they have Dial-A-Prayer Service for Atheists?
A: Sure, they can call the toll-free number, but no one answers.
Q: How do you cath a squirell?
A: Climb a tree and go nuts!
Q: Why did the squirell fall out of a tree?
A: Because it waz dead
~what do you call a male ladybug?
~what do you call a female granddaddy longlegs?
~Why do they put "do not microwave" on bags of chips?
~on the bottom of boxes why do they put do not turn over? (isnt it a little to late)
~on children's Tylenol: "Do not opperate heavy machinery after taking"
(o yea, the world would b much safer if we could get these 5 yr olds w/ colds off the road)
~on a superman costume: "Does not enable u to fly"
( i blame the moms 4 this)
~on a liquid soap bottle: "Do not use like regular soap"
(and that would b how?)
~on a bag of chips: "Great gifts and prizes. Look inside 4 details"
(shoplifters special?)
was cool before uncool was cool
Jokes Jokes Galore
For people in a hurry, we have compiled this short history of medicine, using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2006 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear and everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being 10 again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." She said.
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Funny Quotes when Going to Die
I did not see that coming.
Trespassing signs are just ways people are trying to scare you.
Luke I am your father.
Hold on i think i am out of bullets.
I dont think its loaded.
I know where you live.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!.
SSSUUUUUIIIICIIIIIDDDDEEEEE.
You have failed me.
wonder what this button does?
what woold happen if i jumped off a cliff?
darn my parachute dosnt work
ICEBERG!!!!
Santa is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
For Chemistry Geeks Only
So one atom is walking down the street and stops to ask another atom what he is doing.
The second atom replies "I'm looking for an my electron!"
First atom "Are you sure you lost it?"
Second atom "Yes, I'm positive."
A Funny As Heck Joke
if your a woman, and your husband is retarded
you have one kid, but you have two
one is only one year old, the other is 24
think about it
Remember those who lost their lives in 9/11/01.
Give a 1 minute salute for those brave people who did not walk from the rubble.
Remembering 9/11
As our nation recalls again the horrible events of Sept. 11, 2001, we share again this powerful prayer of Max Lucado, which was written for a special memorial service following 9/11. It also appeared in USA Today and was widely reprinted:
Dear Lord,
We're still hoping we'll wake up. We're still hoping we'll open a sleepy eye and think, What a horrible dream.
But we won't, will we, Father? What we saw was not a dream. Planes did gouge towers. Flames did consume our fortress. People did perish. It was no dream and, dear Father, we are sad.
There is a ballet dancer who will no longer dance and a doctor who will no longer heal. A church has lost her priest, a classroom is minus a teacher. Cora ran a food pantry. Paige was a counselor and Dana, dearest Father, Dana was only three years old. (Who held her in those final moments?)
We are sad, Father. For as the innocent are buried, our innocence is buried as well. We thought we were safe. Perhaps we should have known better. But we didn't.
And so we come to you. We don't ask you for help; we beg you for it. We don't request it; we implore it. We know what you can do. We've read the accounts. We've pondered the stories and now we plead, Do it again, Lord. Do it again.
Remember Joseph? You rescued him from the pit. You can do the same for us. Do it again, Lord.
Remember the Hebrews in Egypt? You protected their children from the angel of death. We have children, too, Lord. Do it again.
And Sarah? Remember her prayers? You heard them. Joshua? Remember his fears? You inspired him. The women at the tomb? You resurrected their hope. The doubts of Thomas? You took them away. Do it again, Lord. Do it again.
You changed Daniel from a captive into a king's counselor. You took Peter the fisherman and made him Peter an apostle. Because of you, David went from leading sheep to leading armies. Do it again, Lord, for we need counselors today, Lord. We need apostles. We need leaders. Do it again, dear Lord.
Most of all, do again what you did at Calvary. What we saw here on that Tuesday, you saw there on that Friday. Innocence slaughtered. Goodness murdered. Mothers weeping. Evil dancing. Just as the ash fell on our children, the darkness fell on your Son. Just as our towers were shattered, the very Tower of Eternity was pierced.
And by dusk, heaven's sweetest song was silent, buried behind a rock.
But you did not waver, O Lord. You did not waver. After three days in a dark hole, you rolled the rock and rumbled the earth and turned the darkest Friday into the brightest Sunday. Do it again, Lord. Grant us a September Easter.
We thank you, dear Father, for these hours of unity. Disaster has done what discussion could not. Doctrinal fences have fallen. Republicans are standing with Democrats. Skin colors have been covered by the ash of burning buildings. We thank you for these hours of unity.
And we thank you for these hours of prayer. The Enemy sought to bring us to our knees and succeeded. He had no idea, however, that we would kneel before you. And he has no idea what you can do.
Let your mercy be upon our President, Vice President, and their families. Grant to those who lead us wisdom beyond their years and experience. Have mercy upon the souls who have departed and the wounded who remain. Give us grace that we might forgive and faith that we might believe.
And look kindly upon your church. For two thousand years you've used her to heal a hurting world.
Do it again, Lord. Do it again.
Through Christ, Amen.
I've got a flash tribute to the September 11 victims here.
Warning: It's a real tear jerker, but it's worth a watch.
Press F11 on your keyboard while watching it.
Turn on your speakers.
God Bless America, where we enjoy freedom of religion!
Ten Commandments
TEN COMMANDMENTS "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
in a courthouse? You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!"
Try Joining the Mafia
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."
The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"
Artie answers, "No."
The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."
So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"
The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."
Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."
The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."
Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"
50 Cent Joke
what would u say if 50 cent nitted u a sweater.................................................g-u- nit