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Author Topic: The light bulb joke  (Read 11038 times)
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riky
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« on: November 04, 2007, 11:03:11 AM »

...Light Bulb Jokes... ...Computer :... ...Q: How many Bill Gates' does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.... ...Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard. ... ...Nationalities:...
...Australian...
...Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. A: Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers. A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"...
...Germany...
...Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! ...
...Iran...
...Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. ... ... ...
...USA...
...Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.... ...Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once....
...Lebanon...
...Q: How many Lebanese does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One, But he has to brag about how much money he spent on buying the light bulb.... ...Lawyers:... ...Q:How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? ... ...A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. ......The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: ...
  1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
......
  1. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. ......
  2. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
...Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."... ...Zen Masters:... ...Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.... ...Miscellaneous:... ...Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They're never in the dark. A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway. A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?... ...Q: How many Censors does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------ ... ...Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!... ...Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.... ...Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!??? A: 11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness support group! A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere. A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. A: "Hey man, screwing objectifies the lightbulb" A: It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that a woman SCREW in anything. This joke will be banned by the FCC. A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harrassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb. A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! ... ...Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.... ...Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.... ...Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Who wants to know ? A: Just what exactly do you mean by that, huh ?... ...Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.... ...Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ? A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists. A: Define "lightbulb"........ ...Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.... ...Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. A: How long have you been having this phantasy ? A: How many do *you* think it takes?...
« Last Edit: November 04, 2007, 11:04:52 AM by riky » Logged

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« on: November 04, 2007, 11:03:11 AM »

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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2013, 11:30:05 AM »

<div>
<p><font face="Times New Roman"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="5"><strong>Light Bulb Jokes</strong></font></font></p> <p><strong><font face="Verdana" size="4">Computer :</font></strong></p> <p><font face="Times New Roman"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q:</font><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> How many Bill Gates' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.</font></font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn
out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make
the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard. </font></p> <p><font face="Verdana" size="4">Nationalities:</font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana" size="4">Australian</font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: </font><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
A: Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"</font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana" size="4">Germany</font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
</font><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><font size="4"></font></font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><font size="4">Iran</font></font></p>
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"></font> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><strong>Q:</strong><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. </font></font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"></font> </p>
<p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><font size="4">USA</font></font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's
sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's
uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend
did it real cheap for me once.</font></p>
<p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="4">Lebanon</font></p>
<font face="Verdana" size="2"></font><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many Lebanese does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, But he has to brag about how much money he spent on buying the light bulb.</font></font></p><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><strong>Lawyers:</strong></font></p><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><font size="2"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><strong>Q:</strong>How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?</font> </font></font></p><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><strong>A: </strong>Whereas
the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of
the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure
to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. </font> </font></p><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: </font> </font></p><ol><font face="Verdana" size="4"> <li><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">The
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means
of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise
direction, this point being non-negotiable. </font></li></font></ol><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p></p><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><ol><font face="Verdana" size="4"> <li><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Upon
reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes. </font> <p></p> </li><li><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Once
separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party
of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in
a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the
rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
non-negotiable. </font></li></font></ol><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Note:
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party
of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."</font></font></p><font face="Verdana" size="4"> </font><p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><strong>Zen Masters:</strong></font></p><font face="Verdana" size="4"><font size="2"> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.</font></p> <p><font size="4"><strong>Miscellaneous:</strong></font></p> <p><strong>Q:</strong><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many Censors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------ </font></p> <p><strong>Q:</strong> How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!</p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the
loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with
the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.</font></p> <p><strong>Q:</strong> How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?Huh??!!!!???
A: 11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness support group!
A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere.
A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications.
A: "Hey man, screwing objectifies the lightbulb"
A: It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that a woman SCREW in anything. This joke will be banned by the FCC.
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harrassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! </p> <p><strong>Q: </strong><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.</font></p> <p><strong>Q:</strong> How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who wants to know ?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that, huh ?</p> <p><strong>Q:</strong> How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.</p> <p><strong>Q:</strong> How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists.
A: Define "lightbulb".....</p> <p><strong>Q:</strong> How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.</p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?</font></p></font></font>
                </div>

Very very nice indeed.. I have never read this joke before and strange there are no replies.. But good one for sure
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