Paul Danan Sacked From Panto For Being A Sweary Tit

[Sunite]

Paul Danan Sacked From Panto For Being A Sweary Tit

November 23rd, 2007 at 11:30 by Stuart Heritage

Paul Danan Swearing Preston Christmas Lights Sacked Panto Jack And The BeanstalkChristmas is coming - you can tell by that distinct chill in the air, the look of barely-contained glee on the faces of children and the sight of a red-faced, bulge-eyed former Hollyoaks actor hurling swearwords at a cluster of young families.

That former Hollyoaks actor, as if it could be anyone else, was our old friend Paul Danan - who up to six of you may remember from also being on Celebrity Love Island a couple of years ago. Paul Danan was all set to play Jack in the local panto production of Jack And The Beanstalk at Preston's Charter Theatre this year, but now he's not. What could Paul Danan have done to lose such a searingly high-profile acting role? Why, screaming "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!" at the disparate gaggle of bewildered children and pensioners who'd come to see Danan switch on Preston's Christmas lights, of course.

In these socially-fragmented, multicultural, multi-choice times, the world needs figures like Paul Danan like never before; figures that unite everyone regardless of gender, race, age or persuasion in thinking "Christ, what a fucking idiot. Seriously. What a complete tool."

Everyone who knows Paul Danan knows what a screeching little overcompensating turd he is, mostly thanks to his stint on Celebrity Love Island where he stalked a girl, then screamed violently at her, then got drunk and screamed "you're my little bitch!" at anyone within a kilometre of him. In fact, it's fair to say that Paul Danan's life is one long guilt-ridden hungover 'did I really do that last night?' moment stretched out to fill a lifetime, but without any of the usual shame that  tends to accompany it.

Even though we can't quite get our heads around the public wanting to pay to see Paul Danan in anything - with the one exception of a brick-filled bin-liner on a crumbling riverbank - the good people of Preston inexplicably decided to give Danan a second chance this year and offered him £5,000 to play the lead in its Jack And The Beanstalk panto, due to start on December 8. And it was all going swimmingly, right up until some idiot thought to ask Paul Danan to switch on the Christmas lights as well.

As a nice touch to help promote the panto, organisers of the event wanted Paul Danan to dress up as Jack to turn on the lights. But Danan apparently refused on the basis that it made him look "like a twat." Leaving aside the fact that his own face, body, voice and brain already do a decent enough job of that, Paul Danan then went onstage and yelled this unforgettably family-friendly opening at the assembled crowd:

    "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!"

After which Paul Danan had his microphone swiped by a local DJ before he could manage to bellow any more obscenities, was hit with an on-the-spot £100 fine by police and got the sack from the panto for his behaviour. So it'll be a lean Christmas in the Danan household this year - but what about Preston's panto? After all, there's only just over two weeks to go to find another star and rehearse them before the first performance.

Our advice to the panto's producers is to aim high. Sure, you may have lost a first-class actor in Paul Danan, but that isn't to say that you can't find someone more talented and famous in such a short space of time. Someone like your own Nan or that crazy Russian lady who hangs around Preston town centre sometimes screaming at shoppers that they killed her mum and dad.