Russia jokes

[ben2ong2]

When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."

[ben2ong2]

Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.

[ben2ong2]

Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".

Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."

[ben2ong2]

One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman). Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is. The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him.

The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing. The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him.

The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly "what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The officer asks: "And why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any Scheiss."

[ben2ong2]

What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?

A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

[ben2ong2]

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?

The bus and train timetables.

[ben2ong2]

What do you call a Lada on a hill?

A bloody miracle.