California Jokes

[ben2ong2]

Dumb California Laws
# Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
# Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
# Bathhouses are against the law.
# It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
# Women may not drive in a house coat.
# No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
# Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
# In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
Arcadia
# Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
# You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
# Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
# City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
# You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
# It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
# Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
# Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
# Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
# It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
# It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette
# You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi
# It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc
# It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach
# Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
# It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
Los Angeles
# It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
# You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
# You may not hunt moths under a street light.
# It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
# Toads may not be licked.
# It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
# Zoot suits are prohibited.
Ontario
# Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove
# Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs
# It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena
# It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale
# Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands
# Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside
# One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego
# It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
# The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
San Francisco
# Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
# It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
# Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
# It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
San Jose
# It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica
# You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula
# Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

[ben2ong2]

A short story...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

[ben2ong2]

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex:  ___male  ___female  ___formerly male
       ___formerly female  ___both
       
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way?   Yes___ No ___


Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)


Please check hair color:
Females:   [ ] Blonde  [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple  [ ] Blue  [ ] Skinhead


Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop


Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____


Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____


Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________


What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more


TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
    car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
    phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)


In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
    ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.

[ben2ong2]

Californians
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."