Ryan's District Boards

Your So Fat Jokes
your fat when santa went down the chimney he said hey its my long lost twin brother

your so fat when u got out of the 10 foot deep pool it went down to 1 foot

these are jokes about fat people but hey  doesnt mean i make fun of fat people (or maybe i do )lol

---

Engineer Quote
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet"

---

   Alligator Shoes for the Sailor
A really big, strong sailor from a big city visits a fancy shoe store in Miama, Florida for the first time.  He really likes the fancy alligator shoes in the display window.

He asks the salesman about the price.  When the salesman says $400, he says "!@#$@*!  For that much, I will catch my own gator".

Later, after work, the Salesman is driving home to the suburbs of Miami and sees the sailor pulling on a large rope, dragging something.  When the salesman stops, he sees the sailor untying a large alligator and going back down the bank into the swamp.

A few minutes later, the sailor pulls an even larger alligator out of the swamp.  Then the sailor wraps his huge arms around the alligator and rolls it over, and breaks out cursing again, "*@#$!  This gator doesn't have shoes either!!!"

---

Flea Market
Flea Market

A prominent scientist conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving it a verbal command ("Jump!"wink.

In the first stage of the experiment he removed the flea's leg, told it to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg, all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg, all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg, told the flea to jump, and nothing happened.

He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg, the flea loses sense of hearing."

---

Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of excrement. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

---

Another Engineer Quote

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---

Hormones Replacement Newsflash

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

---

Military Quotes
ok, i only have two but here they are
1. Soldier: what you doing keeping your heads down, they couldnt hit an elephant from there.
enemy shoots.
Soldier dies.

2. not really a military quote but its close enough.
years ago there was a guy from holland called Mr. tazman. he was sailing to increase the area of his country. he found new zealand, some other islands, tazmania (named after him). he missed australia!

---

   Health Warning
HEALTH WARNING

WATER...

IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT IF WE DRINK 1 LITRE OF WATER EACH DAY, AT THE END OF THE YEAR WE WOULD HAVE ABSORBED MORE THAN 1 KILO OF ESCHERICHIA COLI BACTERIA FOUND IN FAECES, IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE CONSUMING 1 KILO OF mess!

HOWEVER, WE DO NOT RUN THAT RISK WHEN DRINKING RUM, WHISKEY, BEER OR OTHER LIQUORS BECAUSE ALCOHOL HAS TO GO THROUGH A DISTILLATION PROCESS OF BOILING, FILTERING AND FERMENTING.

IT IS MY DUTY TO COMMUNICATE TO ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE DRINKING WATER, TO STOP DOING SO, IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT IT IS UNHEALTHY AND BAD FOR YOU!

WATER = mess
ALCOHOL = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF mess, DRINK ALCOHOL!!! IT IS BETTER TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND TALK mess THAN TO DRINK WATER AND BE FULL OF mess!

---

Funny qoutes
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

---

Your So Fat Jokes
your fat when santa went down the chimney he said hey its my long lost twin brother

your so fat when u got out of the 10 foot deep pool it went down to 1 foot

these are jokes about fat people but hey  doesnt mean i make fun of fat people (or maybe i do )lol

---

Engineer Quote
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet"

---

   Alligator Shoes for the Sailor
A really big, strong sailor from a big city visits a fancy shoe store in Miama, Florida for the first time.  He really likes the fancy alligator shoes in the display window.

He asks the salesman about the price.  When the salesman says $400, he says "!@#$@*!  For that much, I will catch my own gator".

Later, after work, the Salesman is driving home to the suburbs of Miami and sees the sailor pulling on a large rope, dragging something.  When the salesman stops, he sees the sailor untying a large alligator and going back down the bank into the swamp.

A few minutes later, the sailor pulls an even larger alligator out of the swamp.  Then the sailor wraps his huge arms around the alligator and rolls it over, and breaks out cursing again, "*@#$!  This gator doesn't have shoes either!!!"

---

Flea Market
Flea Market

A prominent scientist conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving it a verbal command ("Jump!"wink.

In the first stage of the experiment he removed the flea's leg, told it to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg, all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg, all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg, told the flea to jump, and nothing happened.

He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg, the flea loses sense of hearing."

---

Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of excrement. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

---

Another Engineer Quote

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---

Hormones Replacement Newsflash

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

---

Military Quotes
ok, i only have two but here they are
1. Soldier: what you doing keeping your heads down, they couldnt hit an elephant from there.
enemy shoots.
Soldier dies.

2. not really a military quote but its close enough.
years ago there was a guy from holland called Mr. tazman. he was sailing to increase the area of his country. he found new zealand, some other islands, tazmania (named after him). he missed australia!

---

   Health Warning
HEALTH WARNING

WATER...

IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT IF WE DRINK 1 LITRE OF WATER EACH DAY, AT THE END OF THE YEAR WE WOULD HAVE ABSORBED MORE THAN 1 KILO OF ESCHERICHIA COLI BACTERIA FOUND IN FAECES, IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE CONSUMING 1 KILO OF mess!

HOWEVER, WE DO NOT RUN THAT RISK WHEN DRINKING RUM, WHISKEY, BEER OR OTHER LIQUORS BECAUSE ALCOHOL HAS TO GO THROUGH A DISTILLATION PROCESS OF BOILING, FILTERING AND FERMENTING.

IT IS MY DUTY TO COMMUNICATE TO ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE DRINKING WATER, TO STOP DOING SO, IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT IT IS UNHEALTHY AND BAD FOR YOU!

WATER = mess
ALCOHOL = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF mess, DRINK ALCOHOL!!! IT IS BETTER TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND TALK mess THAN TO DRINK WATER AND BE FULL OF mess!

---

Funny qoutes
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

---

nice 

some are reallyy funny. i might use em lmao

nice post

(I) Alice - Say 20Q and I will read your mind said:
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate.


(I) Alice - Say 20Q and I will read your mind said:
What do you call a bunch of bunnies stepping backwards?
A receding hare line.

(I) Alice - Say 20Q and I will read your mind said:
What is better than eating a mandarin? Eating a mandarout.

(I) Alice - Say 20Q and I will read your mind said:
How Does a dummy kill a mole?
He buries it.

(I) Alice - Say 20Q and I will read your mind said:
What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
*
Next joke (11:52 PM):
What's green and red, and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender!
Next joke (11:52 PM):
Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
From chasing parked cars!
  (11:52 PM):
Next joke (11:52 PM):
Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers!
  (11:52 PM):
Next joke (11:52 PM):
Q: How do you keep a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head!

Next joke (11:53 PM):
What do you call three hippies having a yard sale?
Dealers!




Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?"
A: Killkenny.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?
Bo Derek getting older...




Next joke (11:53 PM):
I was up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Next joke (11:53 PM):
What do you call a hiker who likes to gossip? A walkie-talkie.
Next joke (11:53 PM):
Your aim is so bad that you threw a rock at the ground and missed.




Next joke (11:53 PM):
The dummy heard that most people are killed within 25 miles of their home.(So he moved)


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs.
A: Ground Beef!


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Do you know why midgets don't wear tampons? They trip over the string.
Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: What's brown and taps on the window?
A: A baby in a microwave!

JOKE JOKE


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Next joke (11:53 PM):
What did the donut say to the loaf of bread? If I had that much dough, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.




Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: How can you make a very lively hankerchief?
A: Put a little boogey in it
Next joke (11:53 PM):
I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum. It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!


Next joke (11:53 PM):
What's white and if it falls out of a tree, it'll kill you? A fridge!




Next joke (11:53 PM):
Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!
Next joke (11:53 PM):
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."




Next joke (11:53 PM):
Have you been eating cake lately? Because you look a little crumby.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers?
A: Because prostitutes wash their crack and sell it again!


Next joke (11:53 PM):
What's red and furry and tackles people? Tackle Me Elmo!






Next joke (11:53 PM):
Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp!
Next joke (11:53 PM):
You're so poor the only time you go to the grocery store is for free samples.
Next joke (11:53 PM):
What is the best thing about getting head from
Barbara Streisand?
Ten minutes of silence.
Next joke (11:53 PM):
How do you catch a unique animal?
You 'neak up on it.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: A midget telling you your hair smells good.




Next joke (11:53 PM):
What are three two-letter words that mean small? "Is it in?"
Next joke (11:53 PM):
What's red with seven dents in it?
Snow White's cherry.






Next joke (11:53 PM):
I was up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor found out about this and took each one into his office seperately to try and talk them out of it. First he called in the woman and he told her that the man had already had two heart attacks and was very unhealthy and could die at any time. She told the doctor that she didn't care and she left. Next, the doctor called in the man and told him that the woman was suffering from acute angina, and he said, ''I know! I peeked.''
Next joke (11:53 PM):
What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A milkdud!
Next joke (11:53 PM):
How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb ? Well, teachers don't change light bulbs but they can help make a dim one brighter!


Next joke (11:53 PM):
Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common? A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.




Next joke (11:53 PM):
You're so short, you could sit on a dime and swing your legs.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about one penny.'' Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about a second.'' Then the man asked. ''Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?'' God replied, ''Sure, just wait a sec.''


Next joke (11:53 PM):
George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.


Next joke (11:53 PM):
A man asked his wife if it was, perhaps, time for a little between-the-sheets bump-n-grind action.
"No," said the wife. "I have a gyno appointment tomorrow."
"Hmm," said her husband. "You don't have a dentist's appointment, do you?"


Next joke (11:54 PM):
Your breath is so stank, when you talk your teeth duck.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home and the old man says, ''I bet you can't guess how old I am.'' The old woman says, ''okay, unzip your pants.'' The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute, she pulls her hand out and says, ''you're 89.'' The old man looks at her increduously and asks, ''how did you know that?'' The old woman says, ''you told me yesterday!''


Next joke (11:54 PM):
What two words have the most letters in them? Post Office!














Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two: one to change the lightbulb, the other not to change the lightbulb!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Two old ladies are at the movies.
"Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's using my hand."
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?

He's been feeling down in the dumps.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other:
''Does this taste funny to you?''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer? Beer
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse. One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet."
They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?"
The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"
Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"


Next joke (11:54 PM):
Two old ladies are at the movies.
"Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's using my hand."
































Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob.
On the wall? Art.
On the floor? Matt.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
When is a woman above a man?
When the kitchen is upstairs!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
There was a man from Leek
Who instead of a nose had a beak.
It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird
He migrates at the end of next week.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: Where does a bee pee?
A: At the BP station.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in the church has a soul full of hope, and the girl in the bathtub...
Next joke (11:54 PM):
If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What is Tupac spelled backwards?

Caput!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Didja hear that diarrhea's hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
I'm no Wilma Flintstone, but I can make your ''Bedrock!''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What did one candle say to the other candle? Want to go out tonight?
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A guy walks into a bar, and sustains a mild concussion.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Mom + Dad - Rubber = Me
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you call foreplay in Alabama? 'Hey sis, you awake?'




Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why did God create economists?
To make weathermen look good!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
One roomate said to another, Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth! The other roomate said, Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!














Next joke (11:54 PM):
A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What is black and charred and sits at the top of the stairs?
A quadraplegic after a house fire!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What has 500,000 feet and still can't walk?
Jerry's kids.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
You're so stupid that when police tell you you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What is a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.




Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why wouldn't the members of N'Sync join the cast of Survivor?
Because they know the one kicked off ''Is Gonna Be Me.'''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."


Next joke (11:54 PM):
Men are like lava lamps.
Fun to look at but not that bright.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
You're so fat, mountain climbers climb the Himalayas for practice before climbing you.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A red-head with a yeast infection.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A sweater with big pockets.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why can't you diet and wear makeup at the same time? It's kind of hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why wouldn't JFK make a good boxer? He can't take a shot to the head!

















Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to fetch her old dog a bone,
But when she bent over, Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own!


Next joke (11:54 PM):
The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back at you or kick a field goal.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't ? there's a clock on the oven!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A red-head with a yeast infection.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looked over at the other and asked, Does this taste funny to you?
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?" exclaimed the woman.
"Yes m'am. They're called darts."



































Next joke (11:54 PM):
A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said, ''I can hear voices!''
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ''Jeez, she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What has 500,000 feet and still can't walk?
Jerry's kids.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Promo:
Yes, folks it was a bite to the finish. The next fight will be on Pay Per Chew: Iron Mike Tyson versus Evander The Real Meal Holyfield.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?

A Whine Cellar!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil
Engineers build targets.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun. I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ''I'm hungry!'' So the mother cat said, ''What would you like?'' The kitten replied, ''I don't know!''
Then the mother cat looked at the robins and said, ''How about some basking robins?''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why'd the boy eat his homework?
His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Eat with his pecker!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What did the plug say to the socket? Socket to me baby!!!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: Who has the right of way any time? A: The car with a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads "Guns don't kill people, I do."
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
If ugliness were bricks, you'd have enough to build the entire projects.


Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide? Because it was too cold outside.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
You know you're ghetto if you use the same grease to fry everything.































Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you drink water with that?
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you get when you are on you hands and knees? You get very dirty.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Person 1: Knock, Knock
Person 2: Who''s there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why did the boy scout get kicked out?
He was caught eating a brownie!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
Next joke (11:54 PM):
If someone hit your peter with a pan you'd fly too!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
You're so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.








Next joke (11:54 PM):
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday?
A dead puppy!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What does an elephant use as tampon?
A: A sheep.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.


































Next joke (11:54 PM):
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They would leave the plunger in the toilet.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
There once was a man named Joe and he was talking to God and he asked, ''How much is a penny worth in heaven?''
God replied, ''One million dollars.''
Then Joe asked, ''How long is a minute in heaven?''
God said, ''One million years.''
So Joe asked for a penny and God said, ''Sure, just wait a minute.''
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What does a fish smoke?
Sea weed
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About five drinks.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: Why does a chicken lay eggs?
A: Because if she dropped them, they'd break.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What did the plug say to the socket? Socket to me baby!!!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Yo' face so greasy, if you had zits they'd fall off!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and the friend of a lonely Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" And the friend of a lonely Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe!"
Next joke (11:54 PM):
You have very nice legs. What time do they open?
Next joke (11:54 PM):
47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? A: Anyone can roast beef!
















Next joke (11:54 PM):
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Question: Why does Tigger smell?
Answer: You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Why is diarrhea hereditary?
Because it runs in your genes.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Did you hear about the lady at Wal-Mart that was trying on a Dale Earnhardt T-shirt?
She hit the wall three times before she got it off!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby."
The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but daddy loves ya."
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither has he.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste of lefse (potato crepe). Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the lefse. He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere, slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, Ole, that's for the Funeral!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and on others I just let her sleep!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open?
A: So their brains can breathe.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!
The other asked, What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.
Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked. Finally, the second man said, You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.
And the other man replied, Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What did Luke Skywalker say to his girlfriend?

A: This is Red 5, I'm going in!
Next joke (11:54 PM):
You're so stupid you threw a quarter and thought the eagle on it would fly.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
1. Big Rock 2. Preston Manning 3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent 4. The Premier is a fat alcoholic with a grade 4 education 5. Flames vs. Oilers 6. Stamps vs. Eskies 7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of 8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's 9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups 10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
Next joke (11:54 PM):
You're so stupid that when police tell you you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through his pecker.


 

 
Next joke (11:54 PM):
Q: What does a book have when it's far away? A: A pager.








   


   

   

   

   

   



   

   

Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when a cop pulled them over.
"You were going eighty!" the officer yelled. "Why so fast?"
"We have a good reason," Lloyd explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!"
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
We don't know because it's never been done!
Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant. When asked for your order, consult the sock and talk to the sock throughout the meal. When you get the check, order with the sock about who should pay. Then say, Fine! You pay, throw the sock on the table and walk out.
Why does a blond prefer BMW over Chevrolet?
She can spell BMW!
One right can't make a wrong. But two Wrights can make an airplane!
One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar. One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."
   

   

What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma? Grandpa.
Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform? For the Marine to hold on to!
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Q: How can you find Dolly Parton's kids in a crowd?

A: They're the ones with the stretchmarks on their lips.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky? A: A full set of teeth.
   

   

   

   

   

Did you hear Mike Tyson invented a beer?
It's called Nick-A-Lobe
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a buch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q. How do you make a woman pick cotton?
A. You light her string on fire!
What did OJ say to Nicole just before he killed her?
Your waiter will be right with you!
Q:What does Bob Dole and the Empire State building have in common?
A: They both took 410 days to be erected.
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
What happened to Batman and Robin when they got hit by a train? They became Flatman and Ribbon!
How many people can you fit in one Honda? Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.....
   

   

   

   

You're so dumb, when you had a brainstorm it was just a drizzle.
Why do drunks throw up in the sewer? So homeless people can have breakfast.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
   

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?A: Their
personalities.
   

   

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
   

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?

He's been feeling down in the dumps.
   

What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run? A small medium at large!
   

   

Why do women like hunters? 1) Because they always go deep in the bush. 2) Because they always shoot twice. 3) Because they always eat what they shoot.
The difference between computers and people?
With computers, software goes into hardware.
A hole was discovered in the Carefree Nudist Camp.
The police are looking into it.
   

   

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiance.
   

''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!''
''Great trade!''
   

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
   

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
   

   

   

   

   

What's a witch's favorite subject?
Spelling!
   

What kind of fish does a priest eat?
Nun!
What did Tennessee? Whatever Arkansas.
Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
You didn't?! It's all over town!
What do you call a 900 pound woman with a yeast infection? A whopper with cheese.
Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth.
Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!
   



   

How do you turn a fox into a bulldog?
Marry her.
Okay, let's just get off mamas because I just got off yours.
   

   
V

   

Where is the world's fastest chicken from?
Ethiopia!
What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in the church has a soul full of hope, and the girl in the bathtub...
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil
Engineers build targets.
   



What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!
   

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
   

   


   

What did one ocean say to the beach? Nothing ? it just waved!
Read this out loud until you get it...

"I am we todd did. I am sofa king we todd did."
   

   

Why can't you shoot up marijuana?
Because you'll get a budclot!
Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House was recently killed in an unfortunate accident. Mr. Maxwell was an avid sky-diver and during a recent jump his parachute failed to open and he was killed on impact. His friends remember the fact that he was an INCREDIBLY pleasant, nice man before his fatal jump. And so on his tombstone they inscribed: ''Mr. Maxwell, good to the last drop.''
   

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
   

   

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in the laundry.
What did one guy's leg say to the other?
Look at Shorty?he's growing a beard!
   

Did you hear about the leper poker game?
One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.
   

   

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
   
V
You are so fat, that when you step on a scale and it says, "One at a Time PLEASE!"
   
V
Did you ever wonder why they put braille at a drive-up ATM?
   
V
   
V
   
V
   

   

   

   

   

w
w
w
w
What did the big black bucket say to the little white bucket?
''You're a little pail.''
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Women don't take 3 1/2'' floppies.
Q: Why do farmers bang goats on the edge of cliffs? A: So the goats will push back.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
   

   

   

   

   


   

What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
At least the garbage gets taken out once a week!
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
Knock knock
* Who's there?
Nobel.
* Nobel who?
No bell so I knocked!
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat!
A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot girl and immediately looks at his watch.
She says, ''Is your date late or something''
He says, ''No I just got this magic watch''.
"What does your watch do that is so amazing?" asked the lady.
"It tells me what is happening."
"What does it say now asked the lady."
"It says you're not wearing panties."
"Well your watch is wrong, I do have panties on."
"Sorry, my watch is one hour fast."
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A: They're all married.
   

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? De-calf-i-nated!!
   

   

   

   

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor.
''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
   

   

   

   

   




   

   

   

   

How do you get a hippopotamus in a mini-van?
Kick one of the elephants out.
What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.
What does one penny say to the other penny? Let's get together and make some cents!
Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery?
In the end, everybody did it!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs!
What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.
You might be ghetto if the rims on your car cost more than your car does!
You're so stupid that you have to turn on the light to see if it's dark.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and the friend of a lonely Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" And the friend of a lonely Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe!"
Q: What do men and parking spaces have in common?

A: The good ones are always taken and the free ones are either very small or handicaped.
Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, ''Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink.'' The bartender gets him a drink. Bob says, ''Donkeyboy, get me another drink.'' The bartender gets him another drink. Finally Jim says to the bartender, ''Why does he call you Donkeyboy?''''I don't know. Hehawhehawhehawhe always calls me that.''
Knock knock. Who's there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe put sunblock on my back?
   



   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   


   

   

Q: What do a woman, a tornado and a
hurricane have in common?
A: They all get the house!
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine! When he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any! When he gave out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one! When he gave out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones! When he gave out ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones! When the Lord gave out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said 'Give me a double' Oh Lord! I'm a mess!
Did you hear about the Irish lamp post? It peed on the dog.
Police: Why did you steal his watch? Thief: I didn't steal it, he gave it to me! Police: When did he give it to you? Thief: When I showed him the gun!
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A nun falling down the stairs.
What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The farmer shucks between fits.
God created earth, and it was good. Then God created woman, and it was better. Then, one day, Eve said, "God, I'm bored what can you do for me?"
And God said in response, "I'll tell you what, I'll make you a man, he'll cook, clean, be nice, sensitive, sweet, and even open doors for you. He'll be every thing you ever wanted in a man. But you have to do one thing,"
Eve asked curiously, "What?"
God said, "You have to get him to believe that I made him first."
What is the best time of the day to go to the dentist? 2:30 (Tooth hurty.)
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they never get the house!
Q: Why did Santa get arrested?

A: He got caught laying Barbie under the Christmas tree!
How do you catch a polar bear?
You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call Satan and a lawyer? Twins!
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''
''Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''
Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side...er, no ?? to go shopping...no, not that either...
   




   

   

   

   

   


   

   

   

   

Q: What's rough and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, starts with a c, ends with a t, and has a u and an n in it?
A: A coconut.
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.
How did Helen Keller parents punish him as a child? They rearranged the furniture.
You know you're old when you refer to your waterbed as the dead sea.
Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a dollar and a quarter.

Jill came back down with two fifty.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
How do you catch a polar bear?
You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints
Mama always told me girls are like a box of chocolate covered-cherries: they can either be dark or light on the outside, but they're always pink on the inside.
A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby."
The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but daddy loves ya."
I haven't seen you run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
   



   

   

   

   

   


Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell: ''What are you in for?'' ''I'm here for something I did not do!'' ''So you are innocent? What did you do?'' ''I did not run fast enough!''
'You're so stupid that you looked up at the MACY's sign and said,''Dang...they spelled Y.M.C.A. wrong'''
One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: Teacher, can I answer the call of nature? Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.The girl responded, It was a prank call.
Want to hear a dirty joke? A man fell in mud. Want to hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was his neighbor!!!
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
   

   

Limp Bizkit and Dennis Rodman are on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?
The music world and the NBA...
   

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
   

Q: How do you trap a polar bear?

A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole.
   

Your armpits are so smelly they make speedstick slow down and think about it.
   

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
   

What did the big black bucket say to the little white bucket?
''You're a little pail.''
   

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn''t be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, ?Dear God, please son''t let me be late to church. Please don''t let me be late to church.... And, as she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, ?Please, God don''t let me be late to church -- but don''t shove me either!
   

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

How do you get a hippopotamus in a mini-van?
Kick one of the elephants out.
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.
"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."
"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."
"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
1. Not the brightest crayon in the box
2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
3. Not the cleanest toilet in the bathroom
4. Not the funniest clown in the circus
5. Not the fastest horse in the race
6. Not the sharpest tool in the shed
7. Not the brightest star in the sky
A computer flashed a message to its user:

"I give up! I can't handle it anymore! Let the chips fall where they may!"
Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery? You can win $20 dollars every year for the next million years.
Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse. One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet."
They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?"
The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"
Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
   

What is the clumsiest insect? The Bumbling Bee.
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive? "Honey, I'm Home!"
What is a bee's favorite band? The Bee Gees.
What was their #1 song? "Stay in the Hive."
   

   

   

   

   

   

   


   

   

Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz? A: Cheeze Whuz.
Why did Tupac and Biggie go to Heaven?
They both got Faith!
One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: Teacher, can I answer the call of nature? Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.The girl responded, It was a prank call.
What weighs 2000 pounds and lays at the bottom of the ocean? Moby's Dick!
   

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.